74 Inches of Pure Lady

It’s official. I’ve been single for approximately a year (give or take a month). While, yes, it’s not a very long time, it’s the longest I’ve been single in my working adult life. I was talking to a guy friend about this and he remarked that my singlehood is completely within my control. His words were simply, “You’re single by choice.” He might have a point. (Or more likely he had had too many bloody marys). So I started thinking: what choices am I making that are keeping me single? Once in a while I’ll tweet (jokingly, of course) about the reasons I’m single.  So, I’ve decide to compile a list. You be the judge:

• On random Friday nights, I buy wedding magazines and wine for a night in. I always announce to the cashier that I’m “the maid of honor in my best friend’s wedding so I’m helping A LOT with the planning”.

There are SO many to choose from.

• I’ve cancelled a date to watch the Bachelor. (Who plans a date on a Monday anyway?)

• I truly love Celine Dion. I don’t listen to her music when other people are around but I have closed my office door and lip synched my heart out to “Tell Him”. I blame the adult contemporary station I listened to growing up. They’re also to blame for my adoration of Richard Marx. (Hey! He swore he left her by the river safe and sound. And I believe him).

• Instead of doing my taxes, I spent hours on April 15th searching for a “I Woke Up Like This” t-shirt.

Oh! Found it!

• My recyclables consist of: Old Us Weekly magazines, wine bottles and Gatorade bottles.

• I’m stressing out over scheduling volunteer shifts with the Ronald McDonald House because I don’t want to impede my ability to have an impromptu Sunday Funday. Because I have….priorities?

• I’ve cancelled a date to watch reruns of Catfish.

• I have a Pinterest board for a wedding that is clearly not happening any time soon. I’ve also picked out the music I want to walk down the aisle to. “All of Lights (Interlude)” played by a string quartet. Just close your eyes, listen, and visualize it. It would be AH-MAZING. (Close second is “Death and All His Friends” by Coldplay. One of my favorite albums is Viva La Vida. I’m not ashamed to admit it. Don’t consciously uncouple with me, k?) And it would take place at the di Rosa Preserve in Napa Valley. Just in case anyone wants to start a Kickstarter campaign for my wedding. By the time it’s funded, I might be engaged!

• I’ve subscribed to the GOOP newsletter since it started and faithfully read it each time it appears in my inbox. I even coined the term (and personal motto) #WWGD (What Would Gwyneth Do?). And #WWGD do you ask? She’d do a cleanse or an impossibly long and complicated work out.

• While watching Being Mary Jane, I’ve never once batted an eyelash at anything Mary Jane does. I always find myself thinking, “Yeah. I’d totally do that.”

• I’ve refused coffee dates because they seem pretend.

• I spend my free time binge watching things like the Carter Baizen episodes of Gossip Girl. No guy wants to watch that with me.

• When I was 12, I was convinced I was going to marry Noah Wyle aka Dr. John Truman Carter III. That’s clearly not going to happen. So I’ve given up.

• Who needs dudes when you have Tumblr and wine? (….and Hulu and Netflix and Frozen Pizza and Spotify).

Or possibly, the answer is simply I’m single because I’m single. It’s not more complicated or deep than that.  The next time someone tries to give me their perspective on how or why I’m single, I have an appropriate response for them: