#SorryNotSorry aka Mercury Is In Retrograde

Mercury is in retrograde. And it’s been a wacky past few weeks. I’m not religious. I don’t read my horoscope. But, based on the last few weeks, I’m beginning to think there might be something to this chaotic time of year. The planet that rules our communication is out of wack and we all lose our minds. We start speaking our truths at inopportune times or acting in ways that are a little out of character. While some crazy things have happened, I have had some introspective moments as well. Jamie Foxx says to “Blame it on the Alcohol”. I say blame this post on Mercury:

It came up through my subconscious like lava under a volcano. I woke up and felt compelled by a different purpose. Overly dramatic description? Totally. Honest? Of course.

In January, I had a (very minor) crush on some random guy and had started considering what my social media (Facebook, Instagram, etc.) posts looked like to him. I started wondering whether he would be turned off by any of my posts. I held back from posting or expressing my opinions about race relations, feminism and the like. My purpose was not keeping the peace. My purpose was to not be unattractive or unappealing to some guy I didn’t know but who I thought was cute.   I woke up and thought, “This type of thinking is complete BS.”  This was just a microcosm of my behavior in relationships (romantic, professional and otherwise). Bending my will to serve other people’s needs.  Remaining quiet to keep the waters calm.

I woke up and had one singular thought: “I will not be afraid to exert my power, beliefs and personality. I’m done adjusting myself for other people’s comfort. And if I make someone uncomfortable, that’s their problem. Not mine.”

I’m not apologizing for myself anymore. I’m owning it all. The good, the bad, and the awkward.

I’m not sure where I want to live for the rest of my life – I’ve lived all over the country and I’m not sure whether I want to move back to California or not.  I can see myself staying in Chicago. I could also see myself finally trying out New York City. Or, of course, I could head home.

I love sports – essentially I’m a 12 year old boy in a 33 year old woman’s body. I’m going to watch playoff games of almost every major sport and will, most likely, live tweet the whole thing. I like to go out to watch important games. I’m a very loyal fan for certain teams and I will be in a horrible mood if we lose a huge game. It may not be ladylike, but I don’t care.

I listen to all types of music – I’ve had people judge me because I listen to country music and I’m Black. Get over it. I also worship Kendrick Lamar and Kanye West.  (But seriously Kendrick is one of the best performers I’ve ever seen.) It’s the 21st century. Get over your stupid stereotypes about who is supposed to listen to a specific type of music.

I can’t flirt – if I like you, I’ll become a blabbering mess. I’m incoherent. I’ll most likely make fun of you like a kid on the playground. I’ll call you “bro” or “dude”. I’ve read articles. I’ve tried to change. But I can’t do it. I wish I was smooth but I’m a nervous, awkward wreck. Frankly, I’m just hoping guys find it endearing.

I’m a sexual assault victim – I can’t change this fact. It’s part of who I am. And while it’s certainly not first date material, (In case anyone was curious, this is NOT a good first date topic. You’re welcome. I’m here to help) it’s shaped who I’ve become. For a long time, I tried to pretend it didn’t happen and, as you can imagine, I had poor results.

I’ll never look perfectly put together – Even when I spend a long time getting ready, I always have some hair out of place, spill something on my dress, or chip my nail polish. I’ve been on Earth for over three decades. I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I’ll never look flawless.  There’s probably a hole in my shirt or makeup on my blazer. I’m over it. It’s just part of the whole package.

I overshare on social media – #SorryNotSorry – I never talk about my job or my relationships so I feel like it’s a happy balance. I use lots of memes, gifs, hashtags and tweet my stream of consciousness nonstop. I overshare about pop culture, sports and food. So it’s not that bad. Either way, I’m not going to change.

I’m a recovering hopeless romantic – I believed in fate, signs from the universe and that every romantic interaction could be analyzed through the lens of Sex and the City. Turns out, that’s not how actual relationships work. Sadly.

I value my relationships with women more than ever – I’m constantly in awe of the amount of interesting, driven, intelligent, and charismatic women I know. Honestly, I’m consistently inspired by my female friends. They work hard, have varied interests, give back to the community, love their friends and family and are loyal, respectful and non-judgmental. They’re adventurous and daring. Truth be told, I’ve begun to use my female friends as a gauge for what I’m looking for in a male partner. He’s got to hold a candle to my girls or he’s not worth the time.

My career is an integral part of me – While I was looking for a job last year, I started panicking. The very thought of no longer being an attorney made me very sad. I’m still not sure what I want to be when I grow up. But I do know that my “attorney chapter” is not over yet. I enjoy it too much. I used to make excuses or apologize for it because who truly wants to admit they like being a lawyer? It’s much more acceptable to lament the work, the hours, your clients and your bosses.  I’ll admit it. I like being a lawyer. It’s important to me. I’m not the best attorney ever. But I’ve realized I want to be the best I can be while maintaining my personality and sense of self.

I’m done dating – Dunzo. Over it. No more. This isn’t to say I’m not looking for a relationship. I am. However, I’m not using any more dating apps or websites.  I don’t want any more first dates with someone I’ve never met. It’s uninspired. It’s inorganic. And it’s not fun.  I truly believe I’ll be more successful in my love life if I simply continue doing the things that interest and inspire me. My genuine hope is that someone will emerge from my daily life who I want to get to know better.

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