74 Inches of Pure Lady

*Jay-Z voice *

Allow me to reintroduce myself.

I know what you’re thinking. Damn, girl, where have you been? It’s been over six months. Yeah, girl, I know. I have a calendar. Okay let me not be snarky. But, seriously, I haven’t been doing much. I’ve been working, working out, drinking copious amounts of wine and I finally watched all of Game of Thrones (I was able to watch the current season in real time. This by far is one of my greatest achievements).

Essentially I’ve been on “Guy-atus” for nearly ten months. Ugh, I could have had a baby by now, you guys. Just kidding. I’m not responsible enough to be anyone’s mother. Let me be as clear as possible: this was not the plan. I never thought I’d go ten months without any dates. (OK. OK. I went on one date and I keep forgetting it happened. Relax. The feeling was definitely mutual.)

Dating in the 21st century is brutal. And dating as a 6’2” highly educated, super pretty (hey!), black lawyer is even harder (Wait. Was that a humblebrag?). As I tipsily announced in some random ultra lounge in Washington, D.C.: “I’m a unicorn and life as a unicorn is hard.” (I need to get that on a shirt ASAP).

Beyond the difficulties of dating in the age of fifteen billion dating apps, I also had to re-evaluate what I was looking for. Am I looking for my future husband? Am I still “young” enough to not worry about settling down?

Maybe I should just focus on having a sickening sense of style and being fun and pretty and leave the whole “find a man” thing alone. Because, to be quite honest, I can settle into the role of “your super cool neighbor in a vintage kimono sipping rosé on her balcony listening to Kygo” quite nicely. But, on the other hand, I think I’d be a pretty cool mom. And moms wear vintage kimonos and drink rosé, right? (I don’t actually own a vintage kimono but I’m strongly considering buying one….or three.)

I thought I would come out of “Guyatus” with clarity, direction and a newfound enthusiasm for dating. But I’m not sure that’s happened. I’ve come to a few conclusions as the sun is setting on “Guyatus”. So let me share my (quasi-)epiphanies:

• I’m not compromising – I’m in my mid-30s (that’s the first time I’ve written that phrase and OMG…you guys. I’m fine.) I’m not changing my personality. I’m socially awkward, care way too much about music, am always on the go and like taking fashion risks. Of course every relationship requires compromise and I’m willing to do that. But I’m not willing to transform into a different person for the purposes of finding someone or keeping someone.

• I love being in relationships – I miss being in a relationship. If I could skip the whole dating part and just fast forward to the relationship that would be amazing. I like partnership. I like having someone to go to Whole Foods with on Sunday morning. I like having a sounding board, a confidante and a friend. I like my life. And I’m happy with how my life is going. But, frankly, I’m tired of being single. I think the concept of being happy with my life and myself but wanting a relationship can be mutually exclusive. And just because I want a partner doesn’t mean I’m willing to do anything to get one.

• So I’m not compromising – So…on that note. I’m not compromising just to find a boyfriend. I’d rather be alone than compromise, settle for something I don’t want or waste energy with someone who makes me unhappy.

• I’m rusty – It’s been a while since I’ve talked to any guys or done any dating. I think I may have forgotten how it goes. A good looking older guy tried to make small talk with me at Starbucks today and I kinda starred at him for a bit before remembering to be a human. I definitely need some practice.

• #NeverSwipe – I have all the dating apps on my phone. Once a week, I’ll take a few of them for a spin and give them all a good college try. Simply put, I don’t match with many people. Ever. (As an aside, I was very successful with dating in Washington, D.C. and had no problem getting a date.) But I don’t have online dating success in Chicago. I’m not giving up on it but I can’t lean on it as my primary source of dating. Frankly, my lack of success does bruise my ego but I can’t stay stuck in that feeling. There’s nothing I can do if rando Chicago guys on dating apps don’t appreciate my awesomeness.

• I’m happy – Guyatus extended into a ten month time period accidentally. I wasn’t trying not to date. For those of you who don’t recall or memorize every word of this blog (how dare you!), I made the decision in September 2015 to shut down dating for the year. I declared that I’d get back into the game in January. Four months off sounded like a great plan. But that four month plan turned into a ten month reality. I’ve been busy. I’ve made more friends. I’ve started playing recreational sports. My weekends are filled with activities and friends so I barely noticed I wasn’t dating. Until I realized that ten months had past and I wasn’t even attempting to go on at least one date. It wasn’t avoidance. It wasn’t a defense mechanism. I really truly forgot.

• IDK – I have no idea whether I want to get married. I want to find someone I like spending time with and that’s as far as I’ve thought about the subject. I had that thought 10 months ago and figured it was merely a reaction to coming out of dating. But I’ve realized that I’ve been single for three years, I’m in my mid-30s and I don’t have any idea what I want. And for now, I’m not going to expend energy trying to figure it out. I’ll merely spend time looking for someone I like speaking to. (That’s a tall order, yo.)

So what now? I’m trying to get back in the game. How? Baby steps. I’m rusty so I’m forcing myself to talk more. I don’t have success online but I’ll keep plugging away. And what about the blog? I said I was done talking about dating. Technically if you’re not dating, you can’t talk about dating. I don’t know what I’m doing with this thing but I’m going to keep it going because it makes me happy and I missed it. I sat down to write a night ago (after pouring a glass of wine, of course) and remembered why I love writing. I remembered the cathartic and calming nature of throwing these musings into the universe. I also need to be held accountable. When I split myself open and slather all my thoughts on a page, people see it. People read it. And it becomes real. So I’ll put it out there: Guyatus is over.

*Checks phone*

Okay, no messages yet. Fingers crossed, y’all.