So I know what you’re thinking?
Damn, girl. Where have you BEEN?
I know. I know. I have no excuse.
I’ve been here. In Chicago. Working. Working out. Drinking wine. Re-watching my favorite indie films because I’m a hipster who lives in Logan Square. I’m kidding. I used to be a member of the Junior League and own too much Lilly Pulitzer to truly be a hipster. But that doesn’t mean I’m not gonna try my hardest. I own a bunch of graphic t-shirts and drink bourbon. Does that count?
I realize I only wrote occasionally last year and vowed to rectify that issue this year. As it’s late March and this is my first post of the year, I’m off to a roaring start. But, in all fairness, doesn’t it still feel like the year JUST started? Anyway, I had been contemplating for months about what direction I wanted to take this blog. I had thought about truly sitting down and goal-setting about the blog. You know. Creating a vision board with a whole plan. But I realized that I’m 35 and I never vision board anything. And, let’s be real, I probably won’t start now.
Then I finally came to a realization: I do this for fun. So I should just write about whatever I want, whenever I want and stop thinking so hard about the “direction” of the blog. It can be about any and all of the things that are important to me. And lucky for you, the things that are important to me just happen to be complaining about dating, drinking wine, listening to podcasts, Sweet Tart jelly beans (YOU HEARD ME CORRECTLY. THEY ARE EVERYTHING. NO. YOU CALM DOWN.), politics, women’s issues, and drinking wine (already said that one.)
I don’t do New Years resolutions. Clearly. If I did, I would already be falling woefully behind on all of them. But I did write a few “guiding principles” for 2017 on a post-it note. Then I accidentally threw the post-in note in the trash so here are the “guiding principles” I recall from memory:
Forget the Rules –
As a woman, I’ve spent so much of my life being told what I could and could not do and say. Ladies don’t do this. Ladies don’t do that. Ladies definitely do not wear that and they certainly do not say those things. Like it or not, I conformed to these unwritten rules because we live in a heteronormative patriarchal society and everyone feels the pressure. Even me. I was almost convinced not to list my occupation on my dating profile because I didn’t want to scare any fragile men. I’ve reached my 35th year of life and I’ve realized that I don’t have the energy to be caught up with imaginary societal rules. Not sure who created the rule that I shouldn’t wear glittery nail polish to work. But I’m not following that one anymore. The rules are dumb and completely made-up so I’m done following them.
No more negative self-talk –
I’m the worst. Well this one is off to a horrible start. But seriously I am the worst at “negative self-talk”. On any given day, during an uber ride to meet anyone, I can concocted an extensive story about why this person secretly hates me but agrees to grab drinks with me on a regular basis. I’m not funny. I’m not interesting. No one wants to hear from me. I’m definitely not good at my job. I look awful in every outfit I try on. My make-up sucks. And my haircut is dumb.
While I know all of this is untrue (oh…see! I’m already getting better at this!) I have a bad habit of allowing my subconscious to run amok. My goal for the rest of the year is to try to combat each negative thought with a good one. What would happen if I started telling an awesome story about myself? It couldn’t be bad, right?
Do More Good –
This one is simple. Let’s be honest, the past year was a doozy. The best way to feel good? Do good. It’s actually pretty simple. No one has ever spent the afternoon working in an urban garden and thought, “Ugh. That was awful.” Well…not unless they got Zika or something. But let’s just call that scenario a random outlier.
Break Out of Your Comfort Zone –
It’s a motto constantly used by almost every exercise instructor in the world. And usually when it’s uttered, sweat is dripping into your eye, your sports bra is starting to rub and your legs hurt. In real life, this motto still applies in a less sweaty form (hopefully). I’ve been fairly stagnant in several areas of my life and, frankly, I’m getting bored. For example (and I’ll just be honest here), I haven’t been on a date in nearly a year. And I haven’t tried to go on any dates. No apps. No asking anyone out. Nothing. Nada. And I’m not exactly clamoring to get back on Tinder or Bumble; however, I can’t help but shake the feeling that I’m staying stuck in one place because it’s just comfortable. Dating is tedious, boring and mostly unrewarding. (I’m really pumping myself up here, aren’t I?). But when it does work? It can be pretty great. So why not give it some effort? I’m willing to let 2017 be the year of pushing myself out of my comfort zone. Dating is just one example. I’ll test my boundaries in other areas. I’ll try different clothes. I can attempt reading a book I wouldn’t usually read. I can try a new workout. Worst case scenario? I get annoyed, scrap this plan and end up on my couch in yoga pants with a glass of wine binge watching something on Netflix. SO….why not try?
“No” is a complete sentence – This is another simple one. This past year I learned the beauty of “no”. If I didn’t want to do something or go somewhere, I’d just say “no”. And guess what? Nothing happened. It was glorious.
You may be asking: “Are there more guiding principles?” Uh, how big did you think that post-it note was? But for good measure, here are a few extra bits and bots (is that a phrase? That’s totally NOT a phrase) from the notes app of my iPhone because I fancy myself a younger, female Deepak Chopra except with a lot more wine. (As an aside, you guys need to follow Deepak on Twitter. He’s a good follow. I swear.) Anyway – here are the “bit and bots” ™:
- Drink more water – I have been drinking a lot more water over the past couple month and have suddenly been receiving compliments on my skin. Coincidence? Probably. But I’m very pretty so I doubt the compliments have anything to do with water. I’M KIDDING. I’ve seen a difference in my skin and truly think water may be the reason.
- Figure out a skin care regimen – In addition to water, I need to step up my skincare game. Sure, I wash my face, use Step 2 of Clinque’s 3-step system (is that toner? I don’t even know what it is) and moisturize. But as the newest inductee into Cougartown, I should probably be doing more, right? I’m probably not gonna drop any Benjamins on Le Mer but I’m open to suggestions.
- Eat more calamari and drink more rose and bubbly — Instead of other food and drinks. Did I tell you guys? I’m a nutritionist as well.
- Chase a check. Never chase a chick (edited) – I stole this one from Future. Future didn’t say “chick” but I don’t need a parental warning on this blog. Also – I’d add that “Chase a check” could be more accurately articulated as “chase your passions” but no one is gonna put that in a rap song in which they tout molly and percocet. (I can hear it now: “Percocet. Molly. Percocet. Follow Your Passions! Pursue your dreams! Pass that cup of lean!”) That could mean do more writing, learn French, work on a side hustle, try to get a promotion, etc. Also, one thing is clear: Never chase a chick (or dude). It’s a massive waste of energy and even if you eventually wear the person down you’ll most likely have a short-live and unfulfilling experience. And I can find enough people to ghost me after 3 dates. No need to expend energy chasing someone and THEN get ghosted. (Can I admit something, guys? I’ve never been ghosted. Ugh – I’ve jinxed myself. I’m totally getting ghosted this year, huh?)
- Ask for help, if you need it – Help can come in the form of therapy or asking a social media crowd sourcing question about best sushi places in Chicago (that is a serious question. I’m *this* close to flying to Los Angeles. Matsuhisa FOREVER!) But, seriously, don’t be too proud or too scared to just ask for help.
- Just get it delivered – We live in the time of instacart, grub hub, Amazon Prime, and Foxtrot. Just get it delivered and stop feeling guilty. I had 24 bottles of alkaline water delivered to my apartment today. Oh…about that water, I’ve been drinking more ionized alkaline water. It was recommended by both Gwyneth Paltrow and Kawhi Leonard. That was good enough for me. Maybe the alkaline is helping my skin. Who knows? Anyway, I used to feel lazy or guilty about getting things delivered but we’re all busy people. If there is a service that can get me a unicorn mug delivered the same day, I’m using it! (I don’t have a unicorn mug….but I waaaaaaant one.)
- When you’re on the Brown Line on your way to Lakeview, listen to ratchet rap music in your headphones – It makes the ride more fun. Personally, I think it feels like a Patagonia commercial with a Future soundtrack.
OK – that’s all the knowledge I have for today. You’re welcome. And happy New-ish Year! Okay, scratch that. Happy Spring!! Wait, confession time: It’s been two years and I’m still not sick of the Chainsmokers but I looked at the track listing for their upcoming album. They have a song with Florida Georgia Line and I think that may be my “red line”. But Obama moved the red line anyway, so who knows how it will play out. (I know you come here for hard hitting political analogies mixed in with ramblings about EDM, right?)
Peace out!
No…wait…
*Googles*
It’s lit!
Nope. Not that one. Hold on…
Laters, baby.
(I hate myself and I hate you if you get that reference. For the old people reading this: that was sarcasm. I don’t hate anyone. Except for Vince Young. I’m still not over the 2005 Rose Bowl.)
74 Inches of Pure Lady 