On Guyatus

Something about the beginning of fall feels like the start of a new year. As such, it’s time for a few new (season)resolutions. It’s official. I’m on Guyatus. I’m done dating for the rest of the year and, as such, won’t be writing on the subject for a while.

As you may recall, I took a dating moratorium last year. I was out of the game for a year. I tapped back in early 2015 and, now, after a solid 8 months of effort I’m hanging it up for the year. The 2015 chapter of “I’m gonna put some effort into this whole dating thing” is done. And as such I’m done writing about it for a while. Since I’m not doing it, I’m not gonna write about it. Much like Jon Snow, I know nothing (about dating). (Sure, I don’t watch GoT but everyone knows that reference). I can’t give any advice. I have no clue what I am doing. I’m book smart and romance dumb (I was going to write a whole post about being “romance dumb” but that got WAY dark so I scrapped it). As I told a friend the other day: “Don’t ask me. Ask Oprah.”

So what is Guyatus? According to Urban Dictionary, a “guyatus” is simply a hiatus from guys. In my opinion, that definition is too broad. I haven’t sworn off guys. If someone asked me out, I wouldn’t point to a “On Guyatus” sign conveniently hanging behind me. (“Come Back in Spring. She’s on Guyatus!”)  Simply put, I’m tapping out of the dating scene for the remainder of the year. No dating apps. No online sites. No Craigslist (just kidding I totally don’t use that for dating). I’m done putting in any effort this year. Effort in terms of dating, that is. I’m still gonna put on make-up, work out and wear nice clothes, you sexist jerks. (I know what you’re all thinking). And as a reminder — if anyone knows of a nice single guy, I wouldn’t say “no” to being set-up on a date. But for the time being, I’m not actively pursuing anyone.

That said, what shall I do while I’m on Guyatus:

Finally watch Game of Thrones – I’ve got until spring to figure out what everyone is talking about.

Find new recipes to try out at home

Become a world renowned producer like Dr. Dre ….or alternatively make some more Spotify playlists and possibly download Apple Music

Curate and create the perfect Pinterest outdoor dinner party complete with flower crowns, a menu on egg-shell colored paper written in calligraphy and recipes I found in a Gwyneth Paltrow cookbook.

Tutus are optional but highly encouraged…

Buy a pony. Okay…maybe not.

Dance like no one is watching…and other inspirational mantras found on Instagram 

Download Tinder four weeks from now. Get sucked into a shame cycle of hopelessness and embarrassment and delete the app 24 hours later.

Up my Instagram game by posting lots of perfectly filtered, cropped and curated pictures to create the illusion that I (1) am living my best life (as Oprah says), (2) am one with the universe, (3) have amazing style and (4) am #BLESSED

Listen to the new Lana del Rey album while wearing sunglasses and drinking red wine outdoors – checked that one off the list already. WHOOP! #Goals

Read Listen to more books…and by books I mean podcasts 

Play hard/Work hard (or just work hard and grab happy hour drinks on Friday then go home and watch Netflix in yoga pants or some variation thereof)

I’m not happy about being single. I’m not happy about Guyatus (though I think the term is super clever and cute). But that’s the state of my life right now. I hate dating and I’m not gonna do it right now. I don’t want to date. I just want to fast forward to the part where we wake up on Sunday morning, cook breakfast (or more appropriately brunch because I’m making mimosas) and put together a shopping list for Target. But life doesn’t work like that. So for now, I’m gonna enjoy my Guyatus. I have an overwhelming sense that I won’t end up alone but I have zero empirical evidence to back up that feeling besides blind optimism and hope. And for now, I’ll take blind optimism and hope.

Here’s to hoping “Guyatus 2015” doesn’t last too long and stretch into “Guyatus 2035: AARP’s Revenge” (Worst Lifetime movie ever…)

p.s. I made a soundtrack for Guyatus because I think it deserves one. 


One thought on “On Guyatus

  1. […] Guyatus was instigated by recent events. I’m not angry or bitter. I haven’t sworn off men. I’m not building a commune for spinsters. I’m not quitting my job, breaking my lease and moving to Portland. (For example. Because who would actually do that, right? Not me. Hasn’t crossed my mind at all). This last little chapter was important to me. It took energy. I simply need time to process it and to let my brain relax. […]

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